At winter time was something else totally deferent from the summer.. totally empty totally alone totally no life, only couple hundreds In few words if you live and work in those islands you have no life if you are just a worker like my sister her husband and their son. The next morning the mother called me and asked me to go over and check on him. Seeing all the people that loved him and reading about the things he did for people. Im really sorry Alfy. It was more than just a young love as some people might say. suicide can have such a devastating impact on the lives of those who are left behind, feelings of anger, grief, betrayal, confusion and hurt are normal, however when left unspoken can warp someones world into the depths of hell. Just some dark humor between friends. He was 37 years old. Read the book Night Falls Fast by Kaye Redfield Jamieson. We were young and stupid, and broke up. I know how much pain he was in and that he did his best and just had to find relief. What takes a person to that place. That I will always love him and could only ever love him. there are no words to describe how im feeling im truely heart broken. What do you do when your favorite confidants have left you alone in this world? The way peop,e looked at me. My mother had attempted suicide twice before she finally succeeded, and I think I spent several years waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Youre in my prayers I hope you find your son. Its been a helpful resource. I forgive him and hope that he is or will soon be, free of his suffering. 7.3K views, 117 likes, 2 loves, 15 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Judge Judith Sheindlin: Political campaign; countersuits. Im so sorry for your loss. Please. Please know that people care about you and that your wife has no right to destroy you. He hated that he had to pay alimony and he hated the thought of jail if I turned him in. We could look at each other and know what was happening inside the others head. I was amazed at his strength and conviction to live his life as the person he wanted. She didnt know what happened until she ran to him. Hey, dont be sorry, its not a rant, its how you feel. The year before he died he was studying nursing. Put off major decisions if you can. Another year's remembrance over, but the memories . My sister died in 2012 which tore me apart. Apparently she had called them before shed done anything and asked how long it would take them to get there of course they didnt answer that and she told them to hurry cause she had a toddler in the house and that her sister was on her way down and she didnt want me to find her. The next several months involved several rounds of ECT, a diagnosis of Bipolar I, transfer to another facility, and a couple more hospitalizations. When hes like that he will not say a word. Wouldnt clean the bathroom. couldnt even help him fight his demons. Although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a specific type of loss, individualgrief is uniqueto the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died. When you are ready, please forgive yourself for the guilt youre currently feeling. Jamey December 24, 2018 at 12:43 am Reply. While this was going on she was going to school ,playing sports and cheerleading, she was missing a lot of school but because she was smart was able to catch up , when in school spent so much time in the nurses office having anxiety attacks daily. Im having a hard time processing my nieces death, but I knew it was a bad trigger time for Erin. Maple et al (2007)found in interviews with suicidally bereaved parents that preparedness was linked with an ability to anticipate and explain their childs death. We both did our best for as long as we could, given the circumstances and the information at hand at that time. I was hurting then because he had not been replying my texts or receiving my calls. About a week later, we both graduated from different colleges. Its some consolation, but equally adds to the painful loss of the unknowns. So thats what I wanted to sharejust something I have been working on. I grew up saving my older brother from failed attempts, but it had been over a decade since his last attempt. On line trolling hurts people. They beat him up. I have all these questions that no one will answer. He had been drinking and was not in a stable place. Ive known her about a year and never had any indication until that afternoon that this could happen. I didnt know what had happened until two weeks later. Thank you for your post. I am sure he was not thinking how it would affect our lives and our hearts. He didnt live any note and he didnt say anything to me. Six days before she took her life, my Mom shared with me that my beautiful hand me down dress Ive cherished for a decade belonged to a friend of hers that killed herself. I have never experienced suicide this closely before right next door. My dad killed himself exactly a month ago on Fathers Day. I knew he was having a hard time after the first three weeks of lockdown, but I was not aware of how much he was suffering. We just buried her this past Friday. And that changed everything. I cant even fathom Christmas yet. I reminded her that I am always here for her despite the fact we dont see each other regularly (she was in school in DC and me in RI). To understand why Better Call Saul 's Chuck McGill decided to end his own life in the season 3 finale, one first needs to understand just how proud of a man Chuck was. For now? The following are just a few potential reasons why isolation, stigma, and shame may emerge following a suicide death: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, SAVE: Suicideawareness voices of education. This refers to something that you are running away from are not accepting but will help you in some way. The cops then said he was going to be arrested. It wasnt until one night she came to visit me and she was inconsolable. We had been together since April. My body and heart hurt so much that I can not find sleep. I wish all of you love, as well. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. I lost my youngest brother in 1995 (illness), my second brother in 2013 (illness) and now this brother, my last sibling. I was a paratrooper when I was younger and I am not a weak man, but I want to weep most of the time, though I never do, and I always feel as if I am just pretending to live. My brother, Danny, was just 24 years old. Please seek help! I wish i could say 22. I believe that deep in his heart he knew that he was loved, and whether he knows it or not, he will continue to be loved until my last breath. My world is fractured. He was so smart and was the only one i could have the wierd talks. Before my niece died, I promised her I would take care of her mom and dad, which was very important to her. I have two sentences so far. This is how I learned it was suicide which left me deeply crazed for more information. I found my hero, on the floor of the garage, with a pistol. My mom is dead and I have no siblings. My heart is broken. Her 16 year old friend, the one she was so excited to hang out with and had been talking to for the last couple of monthshad died. Well he put a suicide not on Facebook that I didnt see and showed up to ambulance and police cars all over the street. He hurt me, this unfortunate situation doesnt justify his actions. My mom committed suicide. And I also did not want to burden anyone else again about my feelings and be done with this. He could show unnecessary meanness towards his younger brother and sister. Why ask if you are OK when in truth people dont care and are cautious to stay unaffected. But what I will say is that the God of the Christian Bible is a God of mercy and compassion, who cared for the sick and the suffering. I am writing this in hopes that someone thinking about suicide will read this. Have you read our posts that are specifically on grieving an overdose death? That she was hurting and saw this as solution and I try to keep that in mind but between the sadness I find I have a well of anger at her. My father jumped to his death in front of horrified onlookers nearly 20 years ago. He was supposedly intoxicated at the time and beside him they found his bible and three letters to me. I am in my year of firsts. Started dialysis for his kidneys. This was almost 5 years ago. I cant help but blame myself because I knew he was struggling. Before the ambulance or cops got there my poor baby brother. I feel that its my fault I wasnt there to support him. I have recently went on lithium, lifting depression slightly. You are not alone. She taught horse riding and I hated horses was a horrible rider but I took lessons every chance I got just to be with her. Thank you, Ive recently been searching for info approximately this subject for ages and yours is the best Ive came upon till now. He had even made plans with other friends to keep busy over the next few days too. We chose to push forward. 37 years and i never asked to be born. texting me a message that asking from me to take care of his wife and his son (my sister and my nephew) he had a really bad conversation with his wife (my sister) she said that she will divorce him and this was the last time him to be better person to them (to my sister and my nephew) is this the real factor that make him to jump and decide to finish his life at the age of 46 years old?? I second guess every choice I have made now. I know she will always be the bigger and will continue to hug me. This is my job, as his big sister, and this is what I am going to do. It is an . Our family has fallen apart. Especially when I could tell some only showed interest in there own curiosity rather then out of care for my well being. I was on the bus and saw my friend heavy pregnant and she waved to me, and thats the image I have kept in my mind, and I see her in my dreams waving to me. if only, i had pushed harder to get more tests done on his brain. Im feeling so helpless. My mother died 4 days after my sons funeral. I cant tell you what this has done to my life for almost 20 years. But, some of the best things Ive ever experienced came when things were the darkest. my brother hung himself in 1977 when he was 22 and i was 25. my sister and he were close and she was aged 20. it is something the whole family never got over and i hold all of us responsible and believe everyone played a part in it eben me. It wasnt enough. The older Swiss are a very proud people who, I believe, live all lot in denial. ( Fathers Day) Putting a time on my fathers life is something that still clings to my mind. I cry when I ask myself why he did not call me when an incident happened in rehabinstead he went to what felt good and the sadness would endthis time permanentlybut my sadness may last a lifetimeI am so glad I have a great support team and my faith. Thank you. I will forever live with the guilt that me being unable to be his wife and his soul support emotionally physically and psychologically meant that he could no longer draw breath. And it literally feels like a broken heart. Around 12 things became more difficult. At first I felt guilty feeling like I could have stopped him if I would have just stayed home. Im the one who found her.. Im in hell! I am aware of my declined of enjoying life but It is very hard for me to see my existence as of now. Similiar to Chan. Ive called his cell phone many times and no answer. I moved him back to our home after his 2nd attempt and also sent him to a rehab centre in KZN. I feel so guilty and ashamed and sad. I dont know what Im supposed to say or do, or how to brace myself for the waves of grief and anxiety and obligations waiting for me back home. The questions about what if jaunt me? Weve talked about this and many apologies have come from all of this and yet I still often found myself either lecturing or complaining in some manipulative way, this includes the day my brother died. You won't know when you're ready, because you'll never really feel ready, so do it soon. I feel so sorry for you. All I can say is no matter how you say it, they are both gone and never coming back and I am left here wishing I was with them!! However, after the event, I started to piece together many things, including possible suicide attempts that I couldnt see for what they were. I didnt think anything much of that phone call because I assumed I would be seeing my friend the following week. Im grieving for him because I did love him, do love him, but Im also grieving for my truly unlived life the last decade, holding on to something I knew wasnt what I deserved or even wanted. No we were not gun owners. I sleep with his sweater every night and I talk to him even though he is not here. Going for the jugular in arguments. She had been planning on jumping in front of a truck, but when she saw a police car coming up the ramp she retreated to her car to avoid looking suspicious (she later confided in me). I had a tremendous amount of faith in his abilities, in his determination. But I got worried at his absence and checked to find him, discovering then that he was dead. Im really sorry to here about your loss. You didnt tell him to do this. But she never left her boyfriend and eventually I moved away and the last time I saw her or spoke to her was 25 years ago. He would do anything for us. In 2017, the date was Labor Day. If you want to talk or something, thatd be nice. He wrote some final paragraphs while listening to music, some very depressing, melancholic music. Even if those times were short and brief. His father, sister, brother, and me are hurting so deeply. I think the blame will eventually just shatter me completely. I just can tell you that you couldnt have avoided that, no one can, its not your choice or possibility to control the world, the actions of the people and surely your husband never wanted this suffering for you and also that you will be fine and that I hope that you can forgive him, when those decisions are made are in real, profound moments of desperation and because it feels impossible to continue. The sun does not shine anymore and there are days I wish I was dead too. She had attempted during our 18 year marriage but the effort was never there. A means no. I was never an angel. i love him so much. I would call David, and there was a 2 day period in which I could not get ahold of him from work. Since my father died i cant share to others what happened to my father because i will cry so that i dont want to talk about it. I prayed every day and asked God for his guidance and direction to help me go further into life. Im looking for help too. She was 37. I went downstairs and saw that my parents had left in one of their cars. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. No way was that true. I could not save him every day of his life, and of mine. this is my double edged sword, my catch 22: end myself to end my suffering/end myself to rid the guilt for deceiving this amazing person/rid myself because there lies no hope of my head getting better. My wife of 26 years after suffering from bi-polar and borderline personality, took her own life on October 8th, 2000. He took his life in front of both my parents. He felt so much pain, pain that I've endured. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. Her next attempt was slitting her wrists in the bathtub her mother and father found her,she back to the same institution for a few weeks more therapy and a change in medication. I have considered suicide over and over and over again. She laughed a lot (was a darling little person) but cried secretly and often. She seemed so happy and told nearly everyone she new how happy I made her. For those who have lost children, please find your way to a support group like Compassionate Friends. If he were here right now (he didnt leave a note, just 2 decades of predictive clues), I think hed say he did it for me. Although that idea in itself is also painful. (We live with our mother due to his past alcohol addiction) He had a new girlfriend since 4 years and we really thought he was doing better. Im so sorry for your many losses. Kim, you are not to blame for your sons death, for which I am deeply sorry, otherwise I am to blame for my sons death because of depression. Nothing can make the pain go away. After calling his cell phone all night, he called me at 7:45 am. And it wasnt just his close friends. My brother killed himself on a warm summer night in New York. When I gave birth to a stillborn baby, I knew it was at least a comparatively normal death that many other women have endured. Adapted from I. Bolton & C. Mitchell. How to be a man. Mom said why whats wrong and my mind not working correctly and realizing my daughter that calls her mommy was standing right behind me screamed Bobbie shot herself and I think shes gone. And if they dont want you around they dont deserve you. His parents blamed me and still do to this day, because I ended our engagement because my then fiance became active in his alcoholism. I shouted his name and when he turned around i knew something was seriously wrong. My son ended his life two days after Christmas this last year. It has destroyed our entire family. Watching my mom beg him to fight and wake up. So with that being said, I continued to love this woman as I did when we met but just knowing we could never live together was tough. I dont love you, I dont love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say. I havent told that many people that he died as I dont want their sympathy and the sorry for your loss. A person with ALS loses their ability to walk, talk, swallow, move and breath. i have had a life of sadness, subdugation, 2 suicides -1 step daughter 22 11months and my son 35yrs. He was on a ventilator. And I know what your thinking "this wasn't your fault" but it was. I understand as my dad shot himself in the head in front of my mom and his cousin in June 2019. The Internet becomes everything to them. Like your situation, my mom and I could get along but also said hateful things to each other. IsabelleS January 1, 2021 at 1:46 pm Reply. If only there were something I could do to help them heal. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best to you. Susana November 7, 2018 at 3:56 am Reply, Hi sky I can completely relate to your pain. I dont know what Im going to do. Youre the first person I could find that experienced the same. I had been in so much emotional pain. he knew he was dying from the alcohol. Divorced for about 9 years she had re-married 6 years ago. It was the reality of our relationship and the abrupt end. I cant find the news article now at all. I am beyond devastated , cant really eat and cant barely stand. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. I am so very worried for my son. God bless everyone. I didnt, I couldnt, I am sorry. What very few know is that our mother died by suicide, too and had had numerous failed attempts at suicide, as well. What is it ?! Plus the friends and any of his professors. My brother hung himself april 6, 2019. Its overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. My dad shot himself 10 years ago. We spent some time with his body after they gave up and I took some snippets of his hair. Thank you, kind strangers, for showing me a little glimpse of the compassionate side of Reddit. How could a 13 year-old know how to react in this situation. So heartbreaking. A-myo-trophic comes from the Greek language. We have lost 3 girls in a year. My brother was 53 and he hung himself on 31st Jan 2017. I read 8-9 books on death and grief, several ones specifically geared towards the issue of suicide. Then it all turned around when we got home and the alcohol started to get into his blood deeper. I am so sorry. Live, love, and laugh. We can only guess at how much emotional pain he was in because he hid it so well. He was only 17 years old. She shot herself while my 9 year old was there. Nothing could have been further from the actual truth. May 18, 2016 at 8:07 pm Reply. I knew the guys name but didnt even connect the two. I already see myself as a failure as a brother, it doesnt matter if people try to comfort me by saying otherwise. 0:57. The one thing and I talk about it openly because I feel hed want me too. The pain at times is blinding. My best friend took away his life in the 9 of July 2020. Jim in VA March 24, 2019 at 8:22 am Reply. I am a survivor. Three days later, Tyler Clementi, a gay student at Rutgers University-New Brunswick, killed himself after being recorded on a webcam kissing another man. He would do this alot and sometimes Id think maybe he does not want me in his life. I know if I would have been with him at the time it would never had happened. The dead body of the man I had loved every day of my life since I was 20 years old. I know and my family knows it wasnt him that made that decision that night. My family barely speaks of the event and the lack of support from friends really surprised me. After receiving the death certificate I had a friend who sometimes works in partnership with the medical examiner schedule a meeting with the medical examiner to get more information about how the cause of death was determined, and after receiving that information I spoke privately with each of my immediate family members to share what I had learned. Im sad. He hung himself in our basement, and I had to get him down and try to perform CPR.